Friday, May 20, 2011

Come as you are.

I had a bad morning today. Feeling low, overwhelmed, afraid, tallying up my own limitations and wondering if I will be enough for you. My emotions are full of conflict. You are the child I have yearned for, the child I couldn't give up on having. Days after having Lily I had such strong feelings that there was another child for us, meant for us. I savored the experience with Lily, feeling such gratitude for her, for how easy it all was. Having experienced such trial and difficulty in the early days with our boys I knew in the depths of my being, joy. How special it was; when she cried I fed her and it was enough. I was all she needed, I knew exactly what to do for her.

I prayed for you, at every birthday balloon launching my wish was for you, my son. To come and complete our family. To join us and share our lives together. And now you are coming, different than I envisioned, but, now this is just for you as I want you to know the most important part of all my emotions. That, it doesn't matter. Not to me, I still want you just the same. I want to see your first smiles, first steps that all too soon move into games of chase where I have to be more and more clever to catch you. Everything is so tender for me now but I couldn't go another day without expressing the only part of all this that matters. How wanted you, my sweet son are. That I'm getting your nursery all ready, right next to my room so I can rush in at night and feed you. That today at Target I'm spending your dad's hard earned money so you will look dapper. Wondering if you will look more like your dad and Owen or Luke and I.

I know you are in Heaven waiting, where you are one of God's most valiant spirits. That you in all your knowledge and understanding offered to come here to be our teacher. You are coming here exactly as you should be. The only things we will teach you is how to fit into our temporary world on earth, but you will teach us eternal principals. Principals of kindness, unconditional love, resilience, how to be less judgmental, more patient, more willing to look for the beauty in each situation. I wanted you to know all of this, that even though we haven't met officially I know who you are.
That I was meant to be your mother. Together with your dad and brothers and sister we will stand by you and help you to fulfill your purposes in life. We will be enormously proud of your accomplishments. Sometimes, when people look at us and maybe feel pity or sadness we will just smile because we know. That we're the lucky ones, that we got in on what matters in life.

Since we're chatting and all, I have to let you know, I am far from perfect. Just know that up front and cut me some slack. I am impatient, having my house clean matters too much to me, if I don't get enough sleep I am CRANKY, sometimes. . .I shout at my kids, wish that they would just be quiet, and I have, even, hide from them when I just needed a moment alone. Oh, and sometimes, when they cry, and I don't know why but it makes me laugh just a little. Then I love on them and make it better.
Finally, know that we will be us. We will laugh much more than we do anything else. Play music too loudly an sing off key. Your dad and I will sleep in every Saturday morning while you kids collaboratively destroy our home. Then dad will make us all waffles while commenting how much better his are than mine. There will be much teasing because, after all nobody should be too proud that they can't be teased. Mostly though, there will be that joy.

. . .see you soon my son.




P.S. I want to thank all of you who have taken time to comment, email me, text me or call. Having people who believe in me builds me up in the moments when my own doubt creeps in. So, thank you and love you all.

9 comments:

libbie said...

You're an awesome mom. He's going to adore you and is such a lucky little guy to get to come into your family!

Jamie said...

What a sweet blessing you are getting. I am so happy for you all.

Jules said...

All of your life's experiences up to this moment have led you to be the mother of this precious son of God- you are prepared and you all as a family will share in the responsibility and most of all the joy he will bring to your hearts. Sending love your way-

Meeker home said...

This has to be the sweetest post ever written. Ever. I think you are a very wise woman! I'm just sitting here thinking about this little boy and how many lives he has already touched. I know that I have sat at my computer in tears for the last several days reading your posts. He is coming into the world to teach so many. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Love you.

Anonymous said...

Jamie,
A post like this is a parents best dream. After all the years of us getting it wrong, finally our kids are getting it right.

I look forward to taking the new boy on the 4 wheeler, fishing and playing in the snow. We will have a great life together, however long that may be. I am getting tired and not looking forward to the next 30 years as a grandpa.

Uncle John is finally starting to fell his age.

Kaylyn said...

Jamie, it has been so long since I have talked to you! To remind you (I mean you better not have forgotten me...I am too awesome to forget :), I am Jamie & Troy's sis Katie. I definitely still blog stalk you. You are so amazing and this post made me tear up with your faith. Can I be just like you? That would be great! I am praying for you all!

Tyler and Dru said...

i have tears streaming down my face as i read this. this little one is already bringing such joy to so many. he's strengthened my testimony in my God already. how is that possible? it's such a sweet tender mercy.

julianna said...

Damn you, Jamie, I am crying like a baby now. We just got home from Yosemite and I've been catching up, reading each of your posts in turn. You are so incredible and I am so amazed by your strength and hope and love and example. one day i want to grow up to be just like you.

museumeg said...

This is such a beautiful post! This sweet boy is going to be such a gift and you are going to be the best mother for him. We can't wait to meet him!